Dream

It was a weird one. Just a range of emotions. I had a dream that I was in Pullman, back for my second year and she was there. I'll have to admit the dream has already become a little fuzzy even though I just had it last night. But the main jist of it was that she dated a guy during the summer only to discover that that guy wasn't me and she wanted to go out with me. You think that'd be a happy dream but the whole dating another guy was what got to me. Because this is the girl who in reality said she tried not to do stuff like that alone with guys when I asked if she wanted to grab a bite to eat.

I guess that really struck me because I've heard something like that before. Back in high school I asked a girl out and she said she wasn't looking too date anyone at that time and a short while after she started going out with another guy. So forgive me if I'm a little weary when she said what she said leaving me to wonder if that was a rejection or if she truly holds that position of not wanting to be alone with guys. She seems wholesome.

I don't remember anything in my dream after the part where she said she wanted to be with me. I have this terrible condition where even in my dreams I never get lucky. Seriously, dream and reality is not that different for me when it comes to social shit. Never had sex in real life, never had sex in a dream. Never even had a wet dream. Makes me sort of think I'm physically incapable of having sex. Never had a dream where I kissed a girl, in reality I've only kissed one girl and it was so long so I think over time I've exaggerated that lengthiness of the kiss to make myself feel better when in actuality, it may have lasted thirty seconds. The girl was drunk, I was drunk, and that furthermore confirms my belief that I can't get a girl without a little help from alcohol.

But if that's what it takes, than that's what it takes.

Puppy Love

I don't know why I'm so fascinated with books and movies about high schoolers engaging in relationships but I am. I'm sure it has something to do with me never being involved in one. Being 27 and never having had a girlfriend, I have to learn about this stuff from other places. Which scares the shit out of me IF I ever get a girlfriend because most likely the girl will have had boyfriends in the past and I'll be all clueless because I know nothing.

I read these books and watch these movies and when it's all said and done I get sad because I feel like I missed out on something monumental back in the day. And now I have this personality that lives like I'm still a teenager. I listen to Radio Disney, I watch kids TV shows, I read books about high schoolers and watch shows about the same stuff. I remember this movie came out a couple years ago, a documentary about 6 kids in high school. The Life Of An American Teenager or something like that and I was all into it throughout the whole thing and then it ended I felt bummed. My high school experience was never anything like that.

My college experience was never anything like that. Hanging out with people, going to parties, getting phone calls every night about what happened earlier that day. Mostly because I didn't allow myself to open up. Still don't do it. Wish I could, want to sooo bad but I remain in my shell. And it shelters me from a future. I can alreadyy say I wasted my childhood and growing up by never having a girlfriend or never going to a high school party.

Maybe the media glorifies teenage lifestyle and what we see isn't the  norm. But I wish I at least had a taste of it. Or at least have other people who I thought were part of the popular crowd in high school come bac and tell me that there experience wasn't all midnight phone calls and sex stories with others.

I think I'm so desperate to catch some of the high school experience that I'm trying to kid myself and remain involved in kids stuff. Watching thee shows, listening to the teeny bopper music, going back to college. Let's face it, yeah I'm in school  and in the process of getting smart (that's the goal) but I'm also surrounded by younger people because I still want to get a taste of the that lifestyle that I never did.

If I could do it all over again, I would've drank in high school, stayed at Albertson for the whole time and stuck with what had potential. Just when I left was when I was starting to loosen up. And it was the right size of place for me to do so. After a year at WSU, that place is so big, you don't get that sense of a close community. Even Evergreen in it's weird way had that sense but at WSU, it's all for one and that one has to do all the work.

Fuck.

Surgery

It came and went. What did I think about as I was slowly drifting off to sleep? Her. I needed to go to a happy place when they were poking me with needles and their so-called numbing medicine was not taking effect AT ALL.It wwas brutal. They couldn't find a good vein to insert the needle in. It took the doctors three attempts in three different locations to finally get something going in me and I did all I could (successfully) to not curse aloud. They were just doing their jobs but they sucked at it.

Now I'm just sitting at home, don''t start work until Sunday morning, and then I have my post op visit on Monday afternoon. Hopefully they can take this pad off my head which is more of an eyesore than anything else. And then as soon as I'm able to take an electronic hair trimmer to my head, I'm buzzing it all off. Really don't want to but they gave me no choice when they cut an excessive amount of hair off the right side of my head. I don't understand why they did it because the first time, they hardly cut anything off and my hair was long enough to cover up where the operated.

They better have a good excuse as to why they did this to me this time.

Well I wasn't awkward today. And neither was she. Actually I think all tension was broken yesterday on Thursday when she drove by me in her car. Actually she was riding in the passenger seat and was parked at a red light when she yelled my name and waved at me. In all honesty, despite being maybe 30 feet away, I didn't know it was her until she said, "See you tomorrow." Besides the obvious that my eyes are shit, there were several factors weighing in on my confusion.

1. The car was blue and I always saw her drive a white car.
2. Her hair was down and I've always seen her with a ponytail. Of course everytime I've seen her it's been either during softball or basketball and it makes sense for girls to want to keep the hair out of their eyes.

Because I didn't know who it was right off the bat after she said "Hey Kip," I responded with a generic "what's up?" Then she said "see you tomorrow," and I think I said "Yeah" and then the light turned green and off she went. It was probably a nanosecond later when it dawned on me who it was.and I immediately exted her asking if that was her. And that's how I got confirmation.

Today at basketball was nice and relaxed. She's not much of a talker. And I'm not much of talked. But I was trying.to come up with questions. And even when I did, I was trying to find the right time to spit them out. If we shared a ball and shot around, it would be easier to talk, I think, because when we both had our own, we we're both in our little worlds at different spots on the court just shooting around.

I eventually put my ball down and rebounded for her, mainly to try and get in a rhythm because her shot was off. And when your shot is off, and you have to keep chasing after your ball after another brick, it's hard to find your stroke. So I rebounded for her and eventually she started to get dialed in. And then it was game on.

We played 3 games of HORSE, I won 3 games of HORSE. Although she had me down HOR to H for a while in the third game but I eventually came back. She takes basic jump shots, I'm the creative one. One obvious advantage I have is my ability to shoot farther out. But just to toy with her, I was shooting from beyond 30 feet. Even when I made a shot from almost half court to give her E, I had to prove it, and I swished it again.

Her smile is pretty. And she always had one after I'd make a shot. A smile of, I can't believe how good you are. Apparently she and Zach we're studying together a couple days ago for a final they had and Zach reported to me that she said I was awesome at basketball and I'm super nice. I don't know exactly how the conversation. I really wanted to tell Zach to replay the conversation for me word for word so I could be all Kip about it and break it down on my own time but I didn't feel like he would want to do that so I just let him tell me what he wanted and it made me feel good.

And I found out she's a big time reader. And I suggested she read The Hunger Games which she's never heard of. Hey, I'd never heard of it either up until about a month ago but I'm not a reader like she is. She actually said to me today, "I'm glad I don't have any homework now cause now I can read." Hmmm, every diamond has it's flaw.

Sleep Does The Body Good

Woke up around 2:30 this morning but was able to force myself to sleep in till 6. How many people can say 6 AM equals sleeping in. And I went to bed at like 11 too.

Anyway, I feel better than I did yesterday after receiving that text. No one wants to ever get turned down, but technically I didn't get turned down. She said what she said and now I can move on and still have her as a friend. I just have to not be awkward come Friday morning. Totally possible.

Risk Taker

If you want something, go after it.

I wanted something, took a risk, and while it didn't backfire, I didn't get what I asked for and now I don't know how I feel. I'm not gonna lie, I like her. But she gave me this "open for interpretation" response when I asked if she wanted to gab a bite to eat after we play basketball this coming Friday. She said that's the kind of thing she tries not to do alone with a guy... The dot dot dot really threw me. I should mention this whole conversation was done over text messaging. Not really chivalrous I know, but it's the only we way communicate since we never see each other and she doesn't live near campus.

We've tried to play basketball together numerous times but things keep coming up for her and she keeps canceling on me. So now we're settled for Friday to play. This will most likely be the last time I see her before I go home for the summer. I'm bummed about that. Even if she doesn't want to be alone with me for a bite to eat, I still like hanging with her and am not gonna get discouraged. Got all next year to make her see that I'm the safest guy on the planet.

Probably to a fault too. This goes back to what I was writing about earlier and how I don't know how to advance things. In this case, I took a shot with the whole grabbing a bite to eat thing, which I'm assuming is a tactic to "advance" things and that didn't work out.

I honestly wanted to say something like, "How bout we play some ball and then the loser of HORSE has to buy the winner a sports drink?" I was seriously considering writing that instead of grabbing a bite to eat because it comes off as way less threatening and very casual. But the big problem is that she will surely lose. Although maybe she's confident enough to think she can win. She is on record of saying she's going to beat me eventually. She's 0-2 so far and got HORS on me the second time but I was trying some ridiculous crazy shots and wasn't making any of them which allowed her to make some shots that I missed. If I just shoot basic jump shots from anywhere within 20 feet, the game will be over pretty quickly. And of course, that's the last thing I want.

She's not bad. She played for her high school and I looked at some of the box scores and she was by far averaging the most points for her team. Now there's something tricky. Do I tell her I looked up her box scores on my own time? Actually I came across it by googling her name which is probably creepy sounding. I do it because I want to learn stuff about her. The problem is, I can't mention to her what I did. That won't get me anywhere, probably just push her away. Which is definitely what I don't want since we're probably gonna be playing softball on a coed team next year just like we did this year.

I'll just wait till Friday, when I'm done with my finals, to relax and have fun playing basketball. Keep it as casual as possible. Don't over think it. Just like the first time. Be so involved with trying to come up with crazy trick shots, that I didn't have time to over analyze questions and answers.

And whatever you do, don't bring up anything from the conversation you had earlier tonight. It's in the past...move on!

How Do You Know?

One thing I've always struggled with when it comes to girls is when to takes things up a notch. I always play it safe. I am the worst at reading signals so I don't know how girls feel about me. I become friends and then if I like them, I like them in secret. And I'm too fearful that if I ask them out on a date, I'll ruin the friendship, or at least make it awkward. So I continue to do nothing. And then eventually they find someone and I'm left there cursing myself out.

That's what's going with me right now. I met this girl, became friends, try and hang out with her once in awhile, and wonder how long I can keep this up. I don't want to be the buddy buddy. I don't mind it. But I would like it to be something more. But I also don't want to fuck up whatever it is we have right now.

Like I said, I'm terrible at picking up on signals. I remember a couple months ago I was given a crash course on girl's body language in a bar and I remember being blown away by how much I didn't know. But this isn't the bar, this is reality. I'm not trying to pick up a chick and bang her. No no. I just want to be with someone who cares about me more than a friend. Someone who I can make them feel happy that they're with me. Is that too much to ask?

Do you have any idea how painful it is to walk around a college campus, older than most, and see couples holding hands? It's heart breaking. I don't want to go to class sometimes because of what I know awaits me wherever I go. And every day passes which makes me a just a little bit older and I wonder if it'll ever happen.

You have to take risks if you want something but the fear of losing what I already have scares the shit out of me. But then again, I've only known this girl like a month. So what am I really losing?

Sleep Now? Not In The Cards

I dunno why I'm always waking up at such early hours. It's so annoying. No matter when I go to bed, I'm usually always up before 7. And in result that makes me not make it past midnight.

Last night apparently I fell asleep at Zach's house while a party was going. Then he carried me (literally) to the guest bedroom and I was iun snooze land. I felt a little bad afterwards because I flt like I'd missed stuff. I'm sure alcohol had something to do with my fatigue factor but another big reason was that I had been up since 4:30 in the morning. After a light Friday night, I get about 5 hours of sleep, wake up at 4:30, do basically nothing until the REC opens at 9 and then I go and play basketball for 3 hours. Of course I'm not tired then but it comes back to bite me.

This isn't the first time this has happened either. Me going out and being overwhelmed by sleepiness and I either pass out or I walk home. Been doing that a lot lately too. Last night, apparently I feel asleep around 10. Woke up around 1:30 AM, walked out to the living room with no pants on and asked the people who were still there where my pants were. If I had just looked on the ground of the bedroom I would've seen them along with my shoes.

I got the pants on but now was wide awake, just as the people were starting to go home. Great, now I'm wide awake, people are leaving, and Zach and Kirstyn are tired. So tired that they fall asleep pretty quickly. What do I do? Walk home all the way up Stadium Way, no longer drunk, and get to my bed probably around 2:30. Of course once I lay my head down on my pillow, I'm out like a light.

But only four a few hours cause I'm up again at 6:30. Very rarely do I get mass amounts of sleep. Maybe once every three weeks will I have a solid 8 hour sleep program. I consider those nights recovery nights for all the sleep I'm not getting every other night that I average about 5 hours of shut eye.

Maybe I need to start taking naps to give my body some rest. I'm not tired during the days though. Well I'm tired if I'm bored but that hasn't been happening lately. When you're so close to the REC, boredom doesn't really come into play.

I hate naps. Waking up all disoriented. Not for me. I was kinda confused last night when I woke up in Zach's guest bedroom, mainly cause I didn't remember how I got there. This morning I was shown an array of pictures that told showed some of what I missed last night. Most were taken by someone not named Zach because Zach was wrestling me in bed. Don't remember that at all. There was also a puke down next to my head. But I didn't puke.

I'm not a puker when I drink. There was that one time back after a night of salsa dancing on Capitol Hill when I just got smashed and puked while sleeping. Facebook pictures can describe the after effects of that night. I felt so shitty the next day.

And to make it worse, that next day I was having a family birthday dinner for in my honor for my 25th birthday. Oh I felt so sick.

I Hear Nothing

Not sure when I made the transition to play basketball without a hearing aid but I think it hinders me socially when I do it. And yet, I kinda have to. I can't risk it breaking. When I was younger, the headband would fly off when I got knocked around but it never broke, at least, it never broke in the sense that it stopped giving me the ability to hear. And I gues at some point I just became more cautious.

So now when I play, I hear nothing. Well, only if I'm playing full court which causes me to run a lot more than a 2 on 2 or even a game of 21 would ask of me. Hearing nothing blows. I guess I can hear some stuff, but most goes by without me catching a whiff of it. I can't crack jokes with guys, people try and tell me stuff and I just nod along so I don't look stupid. But then I do look stupid when I do what I think they said and in reality they said something entirely different.

So a lot of times I keep my mouth shut, or my inner coach comes out and I tell others what to do. In my head, I'm a great coach. I know where people should be at all times. I'm obviously not but I think I am. And I think that makes me look like a jackass. It's hard for me not to say something. If someone puts a screen on me and it's not called out, am I in the wrong at telling my teammate that he needs to call them out, in a calm but stern manner? But I'm also afraid to say some stuff because what if a person I'm talking to or "accusing" of not being in the right position says something back and I don't hear them. Then it looks like I'm giving them the cold shoulder and I really do look like a dumb fuck.

Bah!

Cold Weather

I kinda like the fact that it's so cold out. Because then I don't have to see other people enjoying their time outside looking hot as shit while doing stuff with their friends. I mean look at me, here it is 3:30 on a Friday afternoon and I'm in the library posting on a blog? That's sad. But that's me. Sad.

A part of me will be glad to leave Pullman for the summer. But just a part. There's so much unfinished non-academic stuff that's waiting for me over here that I've failed to capitalize on during year one of this whole "give college another try" experiment. I'm not sure what I want to achieve, but if I'm not happy, then I haven't achieved it yet.

Let's call it like it is. I wanna have sex. I wanna have a girlfriend. Probably in that order too. Get the sex out of the way so I can say I've done it before getting a girlfriend and then when it gets hot and heavy I don't get all freaked out in my head that I don't know what I'm doing. A long time ago on the school bus, I told this girl I would only have sex with someone I love. She smiled and respected that. And then I tacked on, "unless I'm 40 and by that point I'll just pay for it." Scary that when I said it I was probably 16 or 17 years old, and now I'm 27 and still in the same position and it's like "oh shit." Am I really gonna stay true to that?

I really hope I don't have to but nothing gives me hope that anythings on the horizon. It would be so easy if I just staked out Mike's until 2 AM because you know there are some drunkies that don't know any better. Sometimes I feel that's the only way I can get someone to sleep with me. That they're so drunk that they don't know any better. But then my head starts going through scenarios. What if they wake up the next morning and see me and they're disgusted with themselves. I don't know how people react after waking up to someone they banged the night before. Are guys like, "Wow, I just had sex with her."? Are girls like, "Oh man what did I do?" Has a relationship ever been created off a one night stand? I guess that would defeat the term of one night stand.

The movie Knocked Up sorta goes through that logic. Two characters hook up at a bar, but it's an unplanned pregnancy that pits them together.

I like to get drunk when I go out because it removes my shield of self-doubt. But then at some point during the night, the shield goes back up and I get super sad. I know because people tell me on a regular basis. "Oh Kip you were having a great time and then for some reason you just got pissed off and sulked the rest of the night." All about self-doubt. I have expectations (why I'm not sure) but then when they don't get met I feel devastated.

Anyway, this weekend will be my last before going back home to Seattle. I don't know what it holds in store for me, probably not sex, but maybe just maybe, something good will happen. One can only hope. Literally cause that's about all I got left.