Cold Weather

I kinda like the fact that it's so cold out. Because then I don't have to see other people enjoying their time outside looking hot as shit while doing stuff with their friends. I mean look at me, here it is 3:30 on a Friday afternoon and I'm in the library posting on a blog? That's sad. But that's me. Sad.

A part of me will be glad to leave Pullman for the summer. But just a part. There's so much unfinished non-academic stuff that's waiting for me over here that I've failed to capitalize on during year one of this whole "give college another try" experiment. I'm not sure what I want to achieve, but if I'm not happy, then I haven't achieved it yet.

Let's call it like it is. I wanna have sex. I wanna have a girlfriend. Probably in that order too. Get the sex out of the way so I can say I've done it before getting a girlfriend and then when it gets hot and heavy I don't get all freaked out in my head that I don't know what I'm doing. A long time ago on the school bus, I told this girl I would only have sex with someone I love. She smiled and respected that. And then I tacked on, "unless I'm 40 and by that point I'll just pay for it." Scary that when I said it I was probably 16 or 17 years old, and now I'm 27 and still in the same position and it's like "oh shit." Am I really gonna stay true to that?

I really hope I don't have to but nothing gives me hope that anythings on the horizon. It would be so easy if I just staked out Mike's until 2 AM because you know there are some drunkies that don't know any better. Sometimes I feel that's the only way I can get someone to sleep with me. That they're so drunk that they don't know any better. But then my head starts going through scenarios. What if they wake up the next morning and see me and they're disgusted with themselves. I don't know how people react after waking up to someone they banged the night before. Are guys like, "Wow, I just had sex with her."? Are girls like, "Oh man what did I do?" Has a relationship ever been created off a one night stand? I guess that would defeat the term of one night stand.

The movie Knocked Up sorta goes through that logic. Two characters hook up at a bar, but it's an unplanned pregnancy that pits them together.

I like to get drunk when I go out because it removes my shield of self-doubt. But then at some point during the night, the shield goes back up and I get super sad. I know because people tell me on a regular basis. "Oh Kip you were having a great time and then for some reason you just got pissed off and sulked the rest of the night." All about self-doubt. I have expectations (why I'm not sure) but then when they don't get met I feel devastated.

Anyway, this weekend will be my last before going back home to Seattle. I don't know what it holds in store for me, probably not sex, but maybe just maybe, something good will happen. One can only hope. Literally cause that's about all I got left.