Puppy Love

I don't know why I'm so fascinated with books and movies about high schoolers engaging in relationships but I am. I'm sure it has something to do with me never being involved in one. Being 27 and never having had a girlfriend, I have to learn about this stuff from other places. Which scares the shit out of me IF I ever get a girlfriend because most likely the girl will have had boyfriends in the past and I'll be all clueless because I know nothing.

I read these books and watch these movies and when it's all said and done I get sad because I feel like I missed out on something monumental back in the day. And now I have this personality that lives like I'm still a teenager. I listen to Radio Disney, I watch kids TV shows, I read books about high schoolers and watch shows about the same stuff. I remember this movie came out a couple years ago, a documentary about 6 kids in high school. The Life Of An American Teenager or something like that and I was all into it throughout the whole thing and then it ended I felt bummed. My high school experience was never anything like that.

My college experience was never anything like that. Hanging out with people, going to parties, getting phone calls every night about what happened earlier that day. Mostly because I didn't allow myself to open up. Still don't do it. Wish I could, want to sooo bad but I remain in my shell. And it shelters me from a future. I can alreadyy say I wasted my childhood and growing up by never having a girlfriend or never going to a high school party.

Maybe the media glorifies teenage lifestyle and what we see isn't the  norm. But I wish I at least had a taste of it. Or at least have other people who I thought were part of the popular crowd in high school come bac and tell me that there experience wasn't all midnight phone calls and sex stories with others.

I think I'm so desperate to catch some of the high school experience that I'm trying to kid myself and remain involved in kids stuff. Watching thee shows, listening to the teeny bopper music, going back to college. Let's face it, yeah I'm in school  and in the process of getting smart (that's the goal) but I'm also surrounded by younger people because I still want to get a taste of the that lifestyle that I never did.

If I could do it all over again, I would've drank in high school, stayed at Albertson for the whole time and stuck with what had potential. Just when I left was when I was starting to loosen up. And it was the right size of place for me to do so. After a year at WSU, that place is so big, you don't get that sense of a close community. Even Evergreen in it's weird way had that sense but at WSU, it's all for one and that one has to do all the work.

Fuck.